The Singapore Little India Riot - The What?

Monday, 9 December, Singapore - By now the shocked world (aka the many int'l millionaires who party here daily at the Marina Bay Sands) would have recovered from their rapid finger flutterings and mutterings of "OMGs" to take stock of what actually happened here in 'ultra peaceful' Singapore.

"Did it really happen?" asked Mrs Jimmy II Shoes, her expression one of shock, incredulity and lost of daylight time - a common malady with frequent latenighfers. Or it could be a case of mascara gone amok from rubbing too many shoulders and behinds.

'Did It Really Happen?' was the most tweeted phrase in Tweetersphere last night (and early morning), many choosing to believe that rioting on this island republic had gone the way of smallpox or only happened during the time of Policemen Wore Shorts (PWS) - a nostalgic period most familiar to the mnemonic folks at the Singapore Memory Project. In Orchard Road Shopping Time, the event would be forgotten like last year's Great Singapore Sale. Little India Riot? Where got....Oh.

When the nation's 3G network finally jammed from too many Youtube downloads, it slowly dawned on the infinity pool populace at MBS that the rioting event could, possibly, have happened. When one poolsider, known as Diamond Drink Party Girl (the new incarnation of the Sarong Party Girl) saw the video, she had this to say: "Cheh, only two burning vehicles. That's like bi-sai (boogers) in a Michael Bay movie." With that, she flopped underwater and resurfaced beside another angmoh who was similarly holding a high fluted wine glass with something shiny inside.

At one of the newer heartlands, our reporter Kay Poh Siao, spoke to some residents about the incident. Madam Epok Epok, 65, saw it with her own eyes. She lived on the 75th floor of the new 100-floor HDB Pinnacle III, 'highest-rise living for the 22nd Century and beyond" according to the housing board. She was excited but could not add much. "Yes, yes, I saw it. But I was so high, the fires were macham kuching eyes at night. Sometimes there, sometimes not. Plus I also old, eyesight not so good. But my abang saw it too." Incek Milo Susu, who was standing at the windswept balcony and pointing in the general direction of Little India, nodded and added, "Heng ah, we so high, so velly safe! If down there, susah lah." 

HDB should build more of these, Incek Susu suggested, as he caressed his hardearned balcony ledge. At 75 storeys above normal citizen level, the sight of the country below was indeed breathtaking. "Heheh, die also nearer to heaven," he chuckled.

Down at another immigrant hotspot, Geylang Lor 2 to Lor 22, Mr Pim Cha Boh, expressed dismay. "How come never call us? We could riot together. Back in China, we velly one heart one. Communist mah." According to him, immigrant tensions in Geylang were also bubbling under the skin. But because of the many 'beautiful ladies' there offering massages and other services, any grievance under the epidermis was soon salved. "Little India should have a Geylang. This way they think of enjoying and not make trouble. Kenna sai, their Desker Road so old like visiting your grandma. Heritage status liao. Must innovate, innovate!" When this reporter put to him that he spoke very good Singlish and wondered if he was Singaporean, Mr Pim slinked away not before saying, "Only PRC do bad things. Only PRC. Me not Singapore nang. Curry simbeh chow." Simbeh chow? Hmm....

At the rioting crime scene in Little India, two burnt out vehicles marked the spot. A stretch of the road also had long black marks as if an F1 race had just passed through. But that was in September and in Twin Durian downtown.

Madam Fong Sai Yuk, who lived nearby in Race Course Road, thought at first it was another festive occasion. "Aiyah, here every weekend also Black Ant Day. I thought it was another festival thingy. Sekali mata chia come yee-oh yee-oh. I stick my neck out to see. I saw the appu nei nei picking up things and turning this and that. I thought they were area cleaning as usual. Even when the fire started I thought it was Thaipusam again. Then the riot police came, again I thought it was play-play only. Sekali they beat people like real, like in some HK movie. Then I think maybe real. Then the TV news confirmed. But at first I thought it was the Noose, haha, funny show. But the chaboh very sui, so must be CNA. That's when I believe jeen eh (real one). Still I called my son in NS to confirm. Wah, by then siao already. I mean I siao, not Little India. What if my son kenna activated? Jialat. Only son. Sekali killed how?"

As Mdm Fong's eyes turned misty, this reporter quickly retreated and found Civil Defence commander, James 'Mr Good Eats' Tan, standing atop Mustafa Centre surveying the situation and nursing a masala teh tarik in one hand. What was your reaction, Commander Tan, given that rioting is rare in Singapore? "Might as well lah," he said, raising his glass. "I mean the teh tarik, heheh!" 

"You should try the chapati restaurant by Norris Road over there," he said, looking rather absentminded and pointing dangerously close to the riot crime scene, still smouldering from the attention given to it by his hose-totting men.

"Like I told that reporter Darren just now. Train, train, never use, Like married never go honeymoon. Don't know real situation will fire blanks or not. Always, wait wait, tan tan."

His Dy Commander, Sim 'Wayang' Mu Lat, who was in a car park with an IT consultant earlier when he received the call. "I was getting head, no, I mean I was getting ahead with my IT contract negotiations when my phone rang." He showed me his new 3G phone, a Sony Xperia. "Waterproof one, very suitable for fire fighting folks like us." He then leaned over and whispered, eyes looking a bit shifty, "Shh, IT lady give one. Off the record, ok?" Obviously, unlike Comdr Tan, Dy Cmdr Sim was very well trained in Media Relations.

Dy Cmdr Sim then straightened up and declared, in pseudo commanding voice, "Yes, yes, rioting in Singapore velly uncommon, like PAP losing in a General Election. Never happens. But my men, they are very well prepared. When not writing food blogs with our commander, they train like siao. As siao as our station cat catching rats, which is seldom. But still, a cat is a cat as long as they catch mice right? I think it was that China Deng fella who said that."

"Here at Home Team, we all dress like we ready to catch rats anytime. Blue, Grey, Dark Blue, Orange....doesn't matter what color. Home Matters Minister ah gong call, we go."

How was this different from the Hock Lee Bus Riots? 

"Huh? Oh, Hock Lee. Yeah. We always practice that one. See, bus crowded, train crowded, taxi cannot find. We know one day commuters will get so fed up and they will riot. Believe me, as in the Hock Lee bus riots, we are ready. Ready to clobber anyone who dare disrupt our World Class transport system." With that, Dy Cmdr Sim swung his baton a few times at some imaginary skulls for emphasis. There was a wild look in his eyes but it soon passed. It was replaced by the familiar look of utter boredom and expectation blunted once too often. This reporter has seen that look many times on reservist men, training for a war that was discussed but never came. The 'War Games Fatigue' look. Or that 'Army Waiting Time' look. One and the same.

Just then, Cmdr of Riot Police, Captain Tua 'Bare Knuckle' Gong walked up. Did he have an inkling of the trouble to come?

"Er, my men was playing carrom when we got the call. Did you know my unit won the division carrom championship? Good rite?"

"Eh, Sim, jiak ba buay?" said Captain Tua when he shook hands with Dy Cmdr Sim. "These guys fight fire, we fight people, heheh," said Captain Tua pointing to Dy Cmdr Sim and then pounding his fist into a palm.

"Sorry, what was the question again?"

Did you guys have an inkling if this was going to happ....

"Oh, yes yes, absolutely. We have men on the ground. We knew that it was going to happen. See that ambulance and police car that got burnt? COE almost expired, why we sent out those old vehicles. Burn nebermind."

"We also neber fired our guns. Wah lao, fire one bullet like spending MAS treasury money. Who want to do the paper work. Not me! Why I tell my men use fists and batons better. Somethings are better done the traditional way. We did away with the secret societies the same way. Hoot until they submit!"

When pressed on how the riot police knew what to expect, Captain Tua confessed that they have been monitoring a migrant worker NGO help group, that Black Ants Are Our Friends Too or BAAOFT, which some locals would call "fuck the ants off" in moments of anti-foreigner angst.

"We have a spy in there, so we know the issues."

"Low pay, long hours work....Haiz, any farmer's bull will also complain. Plus Singapore bosses like sai, you know. You got watch recent episode on TV or not? Work the employees never pay. You must pay the boss to pay you? Wah lau, where got such thing! Really really shameful. I Singaporean I also cannot tahan these people. Ren zha, scum. No wonder no Singaporean want to work these jobs. It's not the work, I tell you. It's those see nang bosses!"

Just then, Commissioner of Police, Wan 'Shiny Whistle' Ker Sum appeared. "Talking about me, Tua, izit?" He apologised for being late, having come from a carpark meeting with an IT consultant lady also. His whistle was dangling out of his pocket, recently shiny and a little wet. He quickly stuffed it back in.

"Heheh, no lah, sir," said a sheepish Captain Tua. "Government job best. AWS, year-end bonus, pak si also buay chow, heheh."

COP Wan, how do you see this issue?

"Oh, oh, back to this, eh?" COP Wan nudged, with a wink that oozed much Johnny-Come-Lately you-forgive-me, and a smile.

"A blip, I say. A blip."

"Will never happen again."

Sir, how come you so confident?

"Well, as in the recent bus strike, we will come down hard on these people. Come here work make trouble. That's not the Singapore Way. Here, people should work quiet quiet and go home and make babies in their high-asset apartments. It's the Singapore Way, I tell you. Work hard and Ah Gong will look after you. Ask any old lady at the kopitiam clearing dishes. Did we put a gun to their heads? No? Work is its own reward, I say. Singapore Way, Singapore Way."

With that, COP Wan walked over to Dy Cmdr Sim and draped a friendly arm around his shoulder. This reporter could hear them talking about a certain IT lady and the passes they got for the MBS Pangaea Club. Heheh, Diamond Drink Party Girls, zirconia can or not? With that, they disappeared into the lingering smoke of the Little India Riot, soon to be another insignificant footnote in the fast changing but orderly place that is Metropolis Singapore. Not far away, a car horned, impatient that the road had not been cleared up yet.

- A parody by TC Lai

Note about that S$32,000 drink: "The Jewel of Pangaea contains premium products such as the 1985 Vintage Krug; gold-flakes infused Richard Hennessy cognac; a smoked raw sugar cube infused with a mixture of apple wood, hickory wood and lemon wood and smoked infused Jerry Thomas bitters and most important ingredient of all the Mouawad Triple X 1-carat diamond.  The Triple X diamond has received the highest possible grading for its cut, polish and symmetry from its certificate-issuing laboratory."

Continued at: Little India Riot II - Alcohol Ban

More humor at: National Pledges; One Leg Left

Food Tasting at Waraku Vivocity

Ok, yesterday was spent food tasting at a new outlet of Waraku, a Japanese casual dining establishment that served not only food from the Land of the Rising Sun (or a version of it) but also some Spanish inspired ones. This outlet is located on the third level of Vivocity beside Marche, at a place nicknamed the Sky Park.

The occasion started off well. I arrived there fashionably late (about 10 minutes) and the SBM foodie group were already two and a half long-tables filled. Organiser Pang (Joo Lip) gestured for me to sit at Javier's table when all I wanted to do was sit beside Faye Chan. We had chatted only on FB and now finally met. Both of us are Cantonese and being the extinct species that we are becoming, I really wanted to explore some makan topics with her.

But Javier and her partner in crime, Nicosia, -as well as Jade and Jayne, turned out to be excellent company. They kept pushing leftovers to me. I dunno. My days of largess eating during NS were already long over, or do I still have the same hungry ghost face? In any case, it was done in good humor and it is always nice to be fed than have food taken away! I hate to waste food (especially veggies) and would finish up any remnant. The dishes yesterday all came in rather tasty sauces and so wiping the plate clean of any leftovers was rather "sedap" and "shiok".

Ok, so what's the verdict? Was the food at Waraku's new outlet worth the trip?

First off, according to Jeslin Ng, the Dy COO & Marketing Head of Waraku (which is part of the Wong San's group), this outlet of theirs at Vivocity is targeted at families and business. A rather strange combination given that the two groups seldom mix except on company Family Day.

But Faye's comment that the food was more for drinking (because of its perceived saltiness) got me thinking this morning that bite-sized dishes do indeed serve both clientele.

The difference lay in the presentation.

Besides, Waraku seem intent on being a business chit-chat venue by building three private rooms for that purpose. They seat 4/8/10 pax each. The restaurant itself could take 100, although how many will stand, I do not know. But the view outside is nice and would make for a pleasant, relaxing cocktail venue.

We were served the signature dishes first, a smart move as our taste buds were not yet adulterated by the many dishes to follow.

First up was Hekka Salad, a mix of pink/red salmon meat mixed with roe eggs and squid strips all drenched in some dark mirin-like sauce that was flavored with mustard seeds. The salad colors reminded me of the French Lorette salad.

It looked pretty and was delightfully light, a great way to start off a meal! The strips made the salad chopstick friendly and pretty soon, the top ingredients were picked clean off. The only complaint I have is that the lettuce at the bottom was a bit coarse cut. A bit of color and finesse (such as fine chopped oak leaf lettuce or radicchio) would have been better. Coarse lettuce made the dish look cheap. But how to finish off a raw seafood salad is not easy and something worth thinking about.

The next signature dish was Foie Gras Miso Yaki. This was smooth with the slightest hint of pan-fry. The sauce was apple sweet and adorned with green pearls that felt like naked mini grapes.On the whole, the texture was very very seductive! My only query is what I should eat the foie gras with. Japanese pearl rice? Toast? Something thin, deep fried?

We were next presented with the Ebi Miso, a grilled prawn split and laid in with what seemed like egg white, cheese and salted egg pumpkin sauce. Although looking rather small (not lobster sized) it was nevertheless buttery and creamy. I took bits off near the head and the taste was pretty rich. If this was made available at a BBQ, I would have gobbled down a few, never mind the cholesterol they would induce!

Next up was the Kurobuta Tonkatsu or breaded pork cutlet. On its own the pork was nice, not overly done. The brown sauce made a decent thing of the meat but it did not add excitement. The shredded radish condiment with sauce and mayo cooled the heaty fried taste, but I rather like a pork cutlet that has oomph, one that makes bold oink-oink statements on my palate. Perhaps I'm too used to the Cantonese pork cutlet ways. And the Kurobuta Tonkatsu reminded me of char siew. There are two types: white meat char siew and dark meat char siew. This KT was dark meat char siew, which would have been wonderful with a bit of yellow plum sauce or "lam yu" (preserved bean curd in sweet sauce).

Still, it could work as a good dim sum dish.

Now, with the signature dishes out of the way, the rest of the dishes lined up to be served like the Seven Dwarfs waddling in and making us wonder who is Salty, Sweet, Sour, Bland, Bashful, Coy and Sneaky. But not before we were given a tour of the premises. We walked past the kitchen and waved to the friendly chefs. Ms Ng then introduced each of the private rooms. They were simply furnished in cherry wood color and on the far wall, a piece of framed embroidery fabric that reminded of rich, traditional Japanese kimono designs.

The Teriyaki Cheese Chicken was well grilled and floated on a puddle of sweet dark sauce that cried out for some white rice. So I informed my fellow tasters and we ordered three bowls to share. The effect was immediate. Yes, the dish needed rice, Sherlock! On its own, the flavours were too strong. A kid will probably find the dish especially memorable (with rice). I can foresee one reminiscing about it in his later years. I had the same experience once with Kung-Po Chicken. A dish you wished your own mom cooked like, every other day!

Over the next half hour or so, we had Maki Volcano, Potato Mentai and Miso Yuzu Pork. Needless to say, MV looked to have been designed for kids. Our table was unanimous with the Potato Mentai, a baked gratin dish that was crispy on top, soft and moist with salmon and cream cheese in the middle, and lastly a bottom layer of potato done just right. I think it was a dish we all could polish off on our own...so good it was! It reminded me of a seafood ciabatta sandwich I had once in Dover, England. The flavours were at once crabby, salmony - all fused into one creamy paste (of course, minus the potato then). It was indulgent, like lying next to a fair skinned, soft fleshed beauty who has nothing but encouraging words to whisper into your ear while you masticated. (Note the correct spelling, LOL)

Now the Miso Yuzu Pork needs some careful handling. Why? Some folks liked it, some folks didn't: they found it plain. I could taste the difference in meat texture and some flavour, which I think would be lovely with beer, typically. But with the added brown sauce, the meat became overwhelmingly salty. I think eating bits of it does it no service. Yuzu pork must be eaten in chunks to be satisfying. It's like you don't pinch a fat lady, you hold her tight and wobble in her largess! And afterwards down copious amounts of beer to forget the experience (and grab the next fat lady). I would grow a huge moustache just to have beer drip down from it to look immensely satisfied!

As the afternoon drew long, the next dishes came quickly one after the other.

The next dish was the Ramen Tonkotsu, that soupy noodle with the three layered pork. A chef can almost do no wrong with this dish. It is one of my favourites aside from the one served with corn and seaweed. I can even say it is my comfort food! Finish a bowl and the whole world takes on a happier hue! This one from Waraku was competent but with a slight difference. The meat is cut up into small blocks like sio bak (local roast meat) - not the typical half-round shape where one could fold the sliver of meat into the mouth for that wanton, meaty feeling. Nevertheless, the fat and skin layers of the pork blocks were expertly done and QQ smooth.

The broth, to me, was, as usual, the same uplifting flavour expected from a good tonkotsu. I would, however, prefer a more generous presentation of veggie condiments atop the noodles. It would give the dish a less plain look.

Now, here comes the unique selling point of this Waraku branch at Vivocity. They serve up Spanish dishes too. Now upon our table came two pans of paella rice: one meat, one seafood. The rice in both the pans looked the same, fat and squishy grained. They tasted different though. The meat paella rice was somehow bitter. But really, both the rice in these dishes looked more like "lo mai fan" (i.e. Chinese glutinous rice) than the yellow paella rice I am familiar with. Odd. Do kids prefer them this way? Well, the meats on top were well cooked. Only the mussel in the seafood version was a bit overdone and rubbery at our table. These dishes were competent but not what I would call adult food. Adult paella I would demand a more faithful rendition like those from Spain; rather than this modernised 'city' version. Rural paella is altogether something else to behold! Ingredients peeking out from the rice infusing it with their own intrinsic flavours. Over here, the paella ingredients seem scooped on top, the rice flavour reminiscent of artificial seasonings.

I could be wrong as the dish was second last. By then we were too full to want to sample more or analyse further.

The last dish was the meat-kebab combi. There was Chicken Croquette, Kebabs and Tomato Meatball. We all found the meatballs salty. I think a better dressing would have been some yogurt concoction. It would then be perfect and luscious, diluting even some of that saline sharpness. Well, the meats looked more like dim sum for drinkers, so we were not surprised by their flavours. It's known that salty food = more drinks sold, haha.

Conclusion: Right, so what is the final verdict? Food-wise just let me say that what we were served and had sampled were but a small portion of the total menu; there were lots more to choose from. What we had were the best selling items. I can see why: many of them have delicious sauces and creams that make eating out memorable. But consume them too often and it becomes "jelat" and harsh on the palate. The food at Waraku Vivocity is better than decent, so I would give it a 8/10. It is food one should fill a whole table with so one could sample a bit of this and that, given too the a la carte size of the dishes. I would equate casual dining to Food + Talk, so bite-sized chunks would work in that paradigm. As for the Spanish dishes, I think the paella rice is a good Oriental link given our staple Asian diet, but really, a lot of more (I feel) can be introduced, especially the tapas sort. It would be great for casual business, walk-in diners too; those who want to eat a little, chat a lot. For families, a place perhaps to introduce some fine dining ideas to the young ones, slightly complex dishes they can experience and delight over. Or even try cooking for themselves at home.

End [Note: All pictures here my own, taken with a Samsung Galaxy S4 (not my usual cam but convenient!)]

Eat Well Stay Healthy

I would like to recommend these two books to further spread the understanding of the chemical processes inside our bodies. It will give you a good idea of how these these processes and nutrition are linked, how the body handles the intake and what happens when the body is overloaded with stuff it doesn't need.

The Acid-Alkaline Balance Diet book in particular takes a more holistic view. Many a times, we are what we are because our cultural foods have fed us so. If cassava root is your race thing, it'd probably be a good idea to keeping eating it. In other words, if you are Chinese, you probably have no problem consuming and digesting rice. 'Digesting' is a common term in the book. Anything not digested in your body becomes acidic waste which is often bad. And this waste will degenerate and breaks down to all kinds of undesirable stuff. It also robs the body of the energy and resources it needs for rebuilding itself. Hence, if you do not eat sensibly, you are not only depriving your body of nutrients, you are actually loading it with work it does not need.

I enjoyed the AABD book because it is informative on many levels. Plus, the case studies are excellent and will leave you dumbfounded. Serious illnesses, it seems, has be cured with a change in diet, even if it takes a while to take hold. I find the writer, Ms Kliment, to be knowledgeable and sensible. And she really digs into the whys and what-fors of how disease operates on our organs. The chapters on diabetes and cardiovascular disease are rather exceptional, as is the one on gall bladder issues. If you are not sure of what else calcium is good for in the body, read page 148 on Osteoporosis; you'll be surprised.

I have in the past reported and written about science and medical matters. Even I have learnt many things reading this book. What I gained most is seeing processes in our body clearer. Much much clearer (especially that chapter on nutrition and mental disorders - an uncommon topic). And if you are concerned about cancer (i.e. cells gone rogue), more the reason to read this book!

The Paleo diet I like because it can help a person lose excess fat quickly. I must admit, even though I eat the stuff recommended by its recipes, my meals often come with the kind of oils I do not need. Anybody who has eaten from a Chinese wok will know that to be true. And because my lifestyle has become more sedentary in recent years, those kinds of meals are a recipe for disaster in the long term. Plus, the excellent hawker foods we have in Singapore, that's just making things worse. Couple all these with a slower metabolic rate and you can see why in the last two years, my weight has increased quite dramatically. I've always been skinny but now I look robust. It's good because I used to feel cold as a skinny person and cannot be in a swimming pool for long. Now, with a layer of natural protection I rather enjoy lounging in chlorinated water. But the skinny person inside who loves competitive sport always sends me "Overweight!" alarms... and so, I would cycle long distance to lose any uncomfortable weight.

Therefore, do yourself a favor and check out these two books from your local library. Or download some of these e-copies to read on your tablet or smartphone. I can guarantee you these books are going to change and save your life, if not lengthen it somewhat.

Latest update (25-11-2013): Ok, just to give a balanced view, here is a great TED talk on what exactly is an ancient diet. Most veggies are different in the past. (But I do like the seafood part of the Paleo Diet. :-) Link: Christina Warinner debunks the Paleo Diet

Latest update: Article in Sunday Life (18 Jan 2015) reports that the Paleo diet is picking up interest. Even one hawker changed tack and started offering a Paleo diet-friendly menu. See pix immediately below.

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Course on Epigenetics

Of Batman and local elections...

This piece came about from an email of a friend who quoted from the Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, - "Structures can become shackles" and asked for my thoughts. Below is what came about.

Well, Andy, what I understand is that this film is quite different from the previous editions. It can be surmised by the kind of villains in it. The Joker, well, he tries to show that everybody has a weakness... is as demented as he is if provoked enough, pushed hard enough into a tight corner.

In The Dark Knight Rises, the villain is just as driven, only that his goal is a fight about class warfare, of destroying the greed and unholy edifices Man has built in his pursuit of greater wealth, power and control. Whilst the Joker seeks to infuse chaos in order to disturb, Bane creates chaos to decimate/to seek rebirth/to start again from ground zero. What that is, no one knows. Perhaps enlightenment? Like how Batman manages to cure himself of his funk suffered from miseries/self doubt in the previous The Dark Knight.

Are people who seek greater power, wealth, control - all fractured beings? Not the powerful/superior people they seem to be? Could they simply be afraid? Like the king who builds himself a castle to keep out the undesirables?

In a way, the movie is a cliché. Man has to defeat his inner demons to rise above fear to find his courage and purpose.

In the past, Batman might have donned his mask/cape as an obligation. He has to beat down his nemesis because he is Batman - superior in acrobatic skills and with his gadgets. He thought he had the moral authority.

In The Dark Knight Rises, Batman no longer believes that. He does what he has to do because he feels it is the right thing to do. Why if he has to die doing it? He is happy. This is how a true legend is born. A sacrifice that does not come with a prize (I uphold the moral good till the end) but is instead a gift. A
gift of endeavor to do right by others...even if it means giving up one's life.

This moral may well apply to the current elections happening. Why are these people serving? Because they think they should uphold the moral good that has been perpetuated by the incumbents? Or fight against the tyranny of the incumbents? Or simply serve because it is the right thing to do.

If that is the belief, how does that play with the electorate? What arethey expecting? Are they people in HDB apartments or people in their ivory condos? A class warfare? Yes, structures can be shackles. The point is to know how to live within structures and not be shackled. I think the last election had sent signals. This latest election has sent another.

The Dark Knight has indeed risen again to beat down fear, intransigence (more of the same) and renew hope. Heheh... ;-)

TC

Dwarves of Meno

[I came across this pix (above) on the Internet and thought it was rather funny, how the seven dwarves were called Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy. Bloated, Forgetful & Psycho - after the symptoms of what some women go thru when enduring menopause. So, here is my version of the classic Snow White and The Seven Dwarves tale based on that. It is part satire. Do enjoy. :-)]

Snow White sat at the table and cried. She could not understand why Dwarf Bitchy would call her "cunt" again. She had told him time and again that it was an unkind word and shouldn't be used, least of all in her presence. It triggered bad memories with her stepmother Queen, who was cruel and liked to call her names, especially when her dad King was not around to hear them uttered.

Stepmother Queen had often used the word "cunt" when talking to her wide-screen LED Mirror TV equipped with 64GB onboard memory, a front-facing 3MP camera, 4G LTE wireless and Google Voice. She would say things like this to Google:

"Mirror mirror TV on the wall,
Who is the fairest of them all?"

And Google Voice would reply. "Why, it's Snow White, of course!"

Each time Stepmother Queen heard that, she would fly into a rage and shout: "That cunt! Of course she is fair. She's stuck in the castle all day. Meanwhile, I am the one who has to go out to work. Who went and died and left me this financial mess? Snow White's father! Why I can't even mention that cunt's name without flying into a rage!"

Google Voice would always attempt to calm her down. "I sense that you are upset. Do you want to have some ice-cream? My location adviser tells me that there is a Wall's ice cream truck parked nearby. Do you want me to ping them?"

"No! I want you to get rid of Snow White for me!"

Google Voice would then cluelessly reply: "Sorry, that did not quite compute. What do you mean by 'get rid of her'? Do you want me to send Snow White a Google Chat message to ask her to let you be for an hour or two?"

This only made Stepmother Queen livid. "You-goddamn-good-for-nothing-Google-TV-screen! Go check your Wiki Dict for that meaning, you son of a bitch!"

With that, she would then slam the TV screen to 'standby' mode and storm away. Half a day later, she would return and ask the very same question again.

In time, Snow White figured out that it was her GPS coordinates that gave her away. But switching it off in her Samsung Galaxy III smart phone did not help. Neither was hiding in some far corner of the castle. She was still the "fairest of them all". At least in that remote corner, she wouldn't be able to hear her stepmother call her "cunt". But the Queen's rage still reverberated within the castle's walls afterwards.

Although that had happened many years ago, Snow White would still shudder each time she thought about her stepmother. That woman after all did try to posion her with an Apple one time. It was an iPad Mini with a poison-laced screen. One swipe was all it took to send Snow White into a coma. She was just trying to answer a conference call. Turns out, it was her Stepmother Queen calling to trick her into touching the iPad and to gloat. "Hahaha...now you die!" was what she said before disappearing in a GIF cloud of smoke.

Fortunately, Snow White did not die. A passing karung guni man, who was actually a prince in disguise looked in and kissed her thinking she was the air stewardess girlfriend he once loved. By the miracle of his poison-killing saliva, Snow White lived. But the prince was then whisked away by some A*Star agents and locked away, some say in the deep research dungeons of Biopolis Park, where the nefarious arts of virus infection, distribution and incubation were being practised. The agents were keen to find out how his saliva could kick poison powder butt so well. So potent it was.

The prince, afraid of being tortured, spilled everything out. He related how he was at a sex orgy party late one night at a car park in Hort Park. It was held in a CNB "Party More, Less Drugs" campaign bus. At the time, high on drink, he had given tongue to half a dozen women as well as oral sex to a senior official there. If the agents wanted answers, the prince told them they should round up those people and take swab samples.

The agents took down his statements but also laughed at his ridiculous suggestion. No CNB official (and a senior one at that) would risk his reputation and pension to do something so wanton and perverse, they said. Who would be so stupid? they asked.

But the prince then retorted and said "Well, your scholars have a history of being peeps and perverts!" With that he got smacked across the face and fainted. Some say the prince then fell back and knocked his head, causing him to go into a coma. The irony! one of the agents familiar with the case noted. But outside, no one was sure if the prince was really in a coma or dead. Either way, the agents involved could still test him for an anti-poison antidote. They just didn't have to put up with his potty mouth anymore that's all.

=======

Back at the Dwarf cottage-hole, Snow White was still an emotional mess. Ever since she turned 40, her hormones had been giving her hell. One moment she was feeling happy; the next, she would crash with grumpiness. Then there were the sneezes and bashfulness (hot flashes).

"Bitchy had every right to call me a cunt," Snow White said, to no one in particular. "I haven't been myself lately."

But there was more between Snow White and Bitchy. Bitchy, you see, was actually a dike in disguise. Snow White and her had been carrying on a lesbian relationship for many years. Apparently dwarf women don't get menopause; they have always been that grouchy since puberty. Unruly facial hair is the norm too, why dwarf women were sometimes mistaken as men and brought down to the mines as well.

Of course, it wasn't easy to carry on a relationship with someone on the quiet in a small cottage-hole of eight occupants - Snow White included. The only person to know anything about it was Forgetful, who would always soon forget what he saw or knew. But he would still nudge-nudge wink-wink at Snow White each time, not entirely sure why he was doing that. Habit likely, was what Forgetful concluded. Like all his other involuntary actions such as masturbating beside the well (an event which he would also soon forget afterwards to the chagrin of the others. The well was after all common property and provided water for everyone!).

Like Forgetful, the other dwarves were also busy with their own issues to want to bother with Snow White and Bitchy.

Take Itchy, for example. He's too irritated by his own skin allergies to care about any other thing else. Sleepy was the same, almost always half awake only. Bloated would be chased out of the house because of his condition. He farted and burped once too many times, even when food and drink was being served. Now, he stayed mostly on his own in the annex tool shed. Sweaty was always sweaty and liked spending his time outside the confines of the tiny cottage-hole in a nearby hot-spring. He claimed it helps to cleanse his body of perspiration and odours. To find a permanent cure, Sweaty even resorted to TCM. He purchased a popular wooden tub from China for this purpose, a kind of personal sauna that steamed herbs really. That left only Psycho. But Psycho all along had Bipolar Disorder, so no one really took him seriously. If he said something controversial, someone would always retort: "Siao eh, ah!" or "Kenna sai, always talking cock!"

=======

Feeling slightly better, Snow White decided to talk to The Huntsman. He always knew what to say and do. It was he in fact the one who had saved her in the very first place when Stepmother Queen made the unusual request for her heart one Halloween night. She had claimed she needed it to complete a costume for a party. At the time, Snow White was but a wee Snow Flake and The Huntsman had taken pity on her and set her free in the forest. "Fly, you fool," was what he commanded when she had simply stood there unsure of which way to go. And fly she did, tripping over brambles and wild boars making love in the thick of night in the unfamiliar and largely scary forest.

It was then that she ran into Bitchy, half naked and seemingly admiring her own adolescent breasts under moonlight in what looked like an Elven Spell Circle of leaves piled in the middle of a ring of trees. Snow Flake was at first shocked to see a man-boy with breasts, but she also had been taught to expect the unexpected by her grandma who once lived in these enchanted woods. It was a pity that she died so soon and in such cruel fashion too, being eaten alive by a talking wolf. The Huntsman had come too late to save her. Maybe that' s why The Huntsman saved her from Stepmother Queen: He needed to atone for not being able to save Grandma White from that deceitful wolf. Snow White (as Snow Flake) still remembers that fateful day well. The Huntsman half-naked and glistening in sweat when he came running and swinging an axe, looking a little flustered and out of breath.

Snow White remembers Grandma White as being a skilled lady who could bake and ride a horse. It was she who first taught Snow White how to ride her first pony. It was also she who gave her a riding hood made entirely of soft red felt that she had sewn together. Her nickname for Snow White then was 'Red Riding Hood' - something Snow White liked but not loved. A menstrual incident later while out riding with friends (boys!) also hardened her dislike for that nickname. And when Grandma White died, she decided to let the nickname die with her. 'Snow White' was fine except it did not sit well with Stepmother Queen. That bitch would rather call her "cunt".

Snow White picked up her skirt and hurried along the forest path. The Huntsman cottage was just ahead and she could see smoke coming out of the chimney, meaning that The Huntsman was at home.

========

Snow White knocked on The Huntsman's door. A handsome man in his late 40s answered it. He was in lederhosen pants and topless. The Huntsman was obviously still in good physical shape judging from his six-pack abs and tight muscles elsewhere. If they caused Snow White discomfort, she didn't show it.

From inside, Robin Hood in tight pants, mascara and lipstick emerged. He too was topless and seemed to be in a funk, eyes glassy. Snow White wondered if the men had been 'wrestling' again, as The Huntsman once explained when she found them locked in some strange, tight embrace. At the time, the Wrestling Regional Finals were indeed round the corner and so she didn't think too much about it. But now....

Snow White blinked away those thoughts and invited herself in. The Huntsman could, after all, help her with her dilemma. How to calm a butch like Bitchy and keep their beautiful same-sex relationship going.

The End - by TC Lai

Sungei Road Market: Making It Better

More background here: Book of Life

U.S. First Presidential Debate

This morning's debate was rather disappointing. I wonder why President Obama wasn't more aggressive. Does he want Romney to take his office?

If Obama cared a hoot, he should have taken Romney to task over his many recent gaffes. Instead, he let Romney off scott-free and even allowed him to tread his agenda. Format of the TV debate not withstanding.

I would have been more forgiving if Obama wasn't a trained as a lawyer, but he is.

And I can understand one has to be civil and polite and all that, but Obama's body language was too friendly in greeting Romney. Come on, here's a man who has been telling America that he has been a lousy president. Yet Obama receives him like a long-lost brother. Who is the office bearer here?

Obama has to demonstrate a few strong emotions.

1. That Romney's version of government is no different from Bush Jr and will continue to bankrupt America. In fact, Romney doesn't know what a government is. It has to govern in an inclusive manner, not one that's biased towards defence (GLCs?), big business, and the other "47 %", etc.

2. That greater military spending will seriously rob funds that could be allocated to government services and departments. Romney's approach doesn't come across as fiscal prudent bush still Bush Jr cowboy. They remind me of emperors vained by a large army and not afraid to use it. Very imperialistic.

Do the Americans know how to govern at all?

Look at the U.S.'s many bankrupt and near bankrupt states. And the poor condition of its many inner city schools. America cannot afford any more military adventurism now or in the near future. The country has to get its house right. Rebuild its coffers, get its kids better educated, show leadership in sci-tech again, etc. Military-wise, it already bristles with leading edge in many technologies. And respected. No need to go flexing its muscles around the world. Effective diplomacy is the way. For example, U.S. and secular democracy could have been advantaged by Arab Spring, but instead, the U.S. squandered the chance by engaging the ruling elements. This left the secular activists out in the cold. The result? Muslim radicals and their rectoric have taken their place.

3. Obama has countered point 2, but he has to use stronger language to demonstrate that he knows what government is all about. After all, he has had four years of experience. Romney has got none.

4. Defend his economic and jobs record. Come on, it is national TV. Remind the folks at home that economic times have changed. Know that and get on with it. Obama has to keep reminding Americans how to deal with that. Him failing to do so - without a clear agenda - makes folks think he is an ineffectual leader. When times are tough, folks like to hear from their leaders. They like someone to tell them there's light at the end of the tunnel - just like Churchill in WWII. Rouse the folks, implore them to dig in. Keep them focused on the healing/recovery path, even if it's not so smooth.

5. That he knows how to engage the world. Romney has no foreign policy. Obama should have skewered him on this. In fact, Romney's trip to Europe was so bad he came across more as a tourist than a statesman from a superpower. And Romney seems as intellectually dull as Bush Jr in matters concerning foreign policy and current affairs. When things get tough Bush Jr retreats his ranch to yahoo. What will Romney do? Seek solace in his investment portfolio?

6. Obama should have used the occasion to defend the dirt hat has been chucked his way up to this point in the campaign. In a national debate, gloves are off. Either come out fighting or not.

President Obama has to wake up or else he is going to squander whatever poll leads he has gained in the last few weeks.

The U.S., indeed the world, cannot have another clueless chap like Bush Jr. in the form of Mitt Romney. The GOP seems to keep offering candidates that are less and less worldly. Even less intellectual and educated in business of governance than the Democrats. At least that how it is appearing to folks like us in this region.