The Singapore Little India Riot III - The Charge Sheet

18 December 2013, Singapore: The Singapore Little India Riot quickly turned into a non-event, much like popping champagne and getting a 'phish' instead of a 'pop'. Or a firework shooting skywards and not producing the effect some folks were hoping for. It all expired in a limp pizzle - a nice word conjuring the image of fire being extinguished by piss - but is actually a real word meaning 'animal penis' or 'penis of smaller stature'.

Mdm Lee Chin Hiong, 58, who was getting fitted for a cheongsam that fateful nite at one old shop along Race Course Road, recalled panicking.

"Aiyoh, call me Ms Lee can already," Ms/Mdm Lee said, batting an eyelid at this reporter. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, alarmed somewhat by her garish lipstick.

"That evening I was just slipping into my silk cheongsam when I heard 'riot' and got scared. I quickly pulled up my dress, ready to run. See, it split from my knee almost to the armpit!"  Mdm Lee then showed this reporter her fashion faux pas. There appeared to be white tofu between the seams. Fifty-eight year old tofu that was a bit ruddy and cellulite-challenged. This reporter almost choked and had to struggle to keep his breakfast masala thosai down.

Er, Ms/Mdm Lee, you seem very 'trendy' yah? he managed to cough out.

"Aiyah, these days, 50 is the new 30, don't you know? I still go for my club dance at Mohd Sultan and line dance at Far East Square. My assistant Tim over there knows I still got lots of energy," said Ms/Mdm Lee, pointing to a Chinese blond-haired 20-something male at the far end of the couch. He wore a white jacket and gold lamé pants and was bare chested. He blew Ms/Mdm Lee a kiss and mouthed, "Love ya!" before turning his attention back to his shiny new iPad Air.

It was all very moving, like glass sculpture. Of a cougar devouring a young pup.

A set of daily newspaper lay nearby. Its headline was less suggestive. 'Rioters Charged', it read. 

The Singapore government acted in typical swiftness to bring those involved in the riot to justice. A total of 28 would be charged, whilst 53 will be repatriated.

Mr Park-See Buay Chao, a Korean who has recently obtained his citizenship was not surprised. "This place not like Malaysia lah. Crime here take days to solve, not years!"

"Now with CCTV some more, even before a crime is committed, the police will aledy have solved it. Let me show you."

He motioned this reporter to a nearby carpark CCTV camera and pretended to pick his pocket. Immediately the reporter's handphone beeped to signal an incoming SMS message. It said, "Beware of pickpocket - courtesy of your Neighbourhood Police Post."

"See, I no bluff one," said Mr Park-See, in perfect Singlish, showing that his citizenship was well-earned. He then unzipped and zipped up his pants, triggering another SMS. This time the message read, "Alert, alert! Color wolf in vicinity! - Courtesy of your Neighbourhood Police Post."

As this reporter was on a limited SMS plan, he decided to distance himself from that over-enthusiastic new citizen, who was last seen setting off a few car alarms and skipping away happily.

Curious to know how the police managed to identify so many non-English speaking migrants so very quickly, this reporter spoke to Ms Wong 'Crime Watch Babe' Ka Fan, Community Relations Director of Police. 

"Oh, yes, it was definitely a challenge," said Ms Wong. "India, you see, has about 26 different mother tongues, not counting which is longer or shorter. It would have been a scramble to find translators on such short notice."

"Also, some of the suspects spoke gibberish hoping to throw us off. But we were smarter. We pretended to understand and rounded them up, hehe. Smart, right?" Ms Wong beamed, proud of her Home Team mates.

"Honestly, if we didn't have Google's Gigi voice translator on our police Android phones, we would be lost. See, we simply set it to Indian and all translations will come out, including, strangely, Red Indians too!"

"And to ensure accuracy, we turned to Google Gesture Translate. It uses Google Glass to interpret the many head-shakings we got that night. You know lah, with these migrant Indian workers, 'yes' also shake head, 'no' also shake head. Very headache leh," said Ms Wong, shaking her pretty head to carry home the point.

Mr Dhaila Kanutlusmejob, a migrant worker who has been hiding in the forests of Woodlands since The Riot, was relieved.

"Boy, am I glad the troublemakers are caught and charged. Does it mean I can come out now? I haven't bathed in over a week?" said Mr K, the last sentence needing no Gigi translation as even the grass around him died. This reporter bade a hasty retreat and rubbed some Tiger Balm under his nose.

Not faraway, Mr Mecasa Soucasa, head of the BAAOFT, a migrant NGO self-help group, could be seen beating the surrounding long lallang grass in hopes of driving out more hiding workers to help. He was concerned that the government was too quick, too harsh in its action.

"Alamak, the government should forgive and forget lah, after all, these people just had a bit too much to drink. Just let them sleep it off. I am sure by the time they wake up, 99% of them cannot remember what happened or that they were even in Little India. It happens to them every weekend. Some even forget why they are here in Singapore in the first place!"

"I am sure the migrant Indian community will pitch in to help pay for the burnt vehicles and EMT folks hurt. They are only here to 'wan sek', you know, make a living."

"Some are even willing to host that injured bus lady on a two week free holiday stay in their hometown, as long as she doesn't mind squat toilets and the family cooking with cow dung."

With Mr Soucasa was lawyer and activist Mr Ng 'Many Lives' Jai See, who is hoping to plea-bargain with the authorities on a more suitable outcome for the affected migrant rioters.

"Sending them away makes no sense. We need workers here. I say let them make restitution by working for Singapore Technologies to help rebuild those ambulances and police cars. Afterwards they can continue to help them build armour vehicles for the Third World countries. No more shortage of labour. It is a win-win situation all round," said Mr Ng, once more on his handphone trying to connect to the AG's office. Another busy signal again.

"We can always make them wear ankle monitor bracelets to keep them out of future trouble. A great country like America also got give three chances with their '3 Strikes And You Are Out' thing. We only got one strike? Wah lau, how to be First World Country???" lamented Mr Ng.

Er, Labour Harmony is very important here leh.

"I know, I know," said Mr Ng. "But transient worker, transient problem... they deserve transient treatment also lor."

Huh, transient treatment?

"Forgive and forget lah!"

Oh, like that also can?

Mr Ng nodded. "We want to send the positive message that we are all 'One Happy Family'. Like this where got other people from India want to come here to work. So strict one."

Minister of Man-Woman-Robot Power, Mr Tua 'Always Higher Productivity' Peh Chek, disagreed. 

"We cannot let this cancer take root. Once it happens, got to cut cut cut. Make sure message is clear. You either follow Singapore Way or don't. Very simple."

"Besides, we have Thai, Bangladeshi, Myanmarese workers queuing to come to this Garden City to work. You know, after Gardens by the Bay opened, more foreigners want to come here to work, smell the wonderful flowers," said Mr Tua, smelling his armpit to illustrate the point. He reminded this reporter of Kevin in 'A Fish Called Wanda'. Unlike most offices, Mr Tua's was strangely devoid of plants. In a corner slumped a robot.

"Ah, that one," indicated Mr Tua with his index finger, "is our first robot that can fry fried rice. Very groundbreaking."

"We are training others to make wanton mee, mee rebus, hor fun, etc., and that elusive Singapore Noodle. Free the local labour to do more important things. Best of all, this fella works 24x7 without complaint, sick leave or maternity leave. Great right?"

"At the moment we are also working with Google to introduce driver-less taxis and delivery personnel. Next time, peak hour sure got taxi. Next time, a robot will deliver your mail. Next time...," Mr Ng paused. "You just wait." 

Google was in the news recently for buying over a military robot company that created the BigDog army robot-dog load carrier. It can run and jump over incredible terrain like a real dog whilst carrying more than a few bags of NTUC rice. Traversing Singapore's landscaped HDB estates would be a cinch.

"Next time, BigDog can accompany our SAF Relief Effort and help deliver relief supplies to countries laid in ruins by earthquake and what-not. More savings in personnel, heheh." Mr Tua laughed, feeling very triumphant.

Er, what would the 'savings in personnel' be doing instead?

"Oh, make babies lor," concluded an even bigger smiling Mr Tua. "Haven't you heard? 50 is the new 30, so our folks can still have babies, like that getai singer Lingling. No point asking young folks to have babies. Too busy, they say. No money, they say. Houses too expensive, they say. So, we let them cheong when young. When old and slower liao then have kids, heheh."

"It's all worked out in a 25-year plan. 'Less Workers More Babies' is what we are aiming at. Our next generation will be trained to supervise transient workers better and push buttons. No more riots! No complaining workforce! Oops, not supposed to disclose that," apologised Mr Tua, looking no less perturbed.

"Ok, got to go. Any more questions, make an appointment with my robot secretary over there. Just wave your phone in front of her and she will sync your calendar and mine for a meeting. Fantastic, right?"

"Oh, make sure your NFC is on first, yah?"

With that, Mr Always Higher Productivity stepped out of his office and into his waiting car, a driver-less and electric one no less, almost running over his migrant worker-employee who had just polished it to a shine. But the foreign man did not complain. He simply slipped back into the shadows to return to his dormitory somewhere. For him, tomorrow is just another day same as today until the time comes for him to return to his family well fed and kept by his hard earned wages. -A true replay of what many of our ancestors similarly went through here more than half a century ago - minus the gleaming buildings, skyscrapers and clean river. There's a price to pay for such pristine-ness, some say. 

How true, a black bird seemed to crow, as it dove and slammed itself into a glass window pane smudging it. Poor thing. Don't think it could have seen that coming!

- A parody by TC Lai

Back to Part 1: Click here

News: Google's BigDog purchase: Here; Fried Rice Robot: Here

The Singapore Little India Riot - The What?

Monday, 9 December, Singapore - By now the shocked world (aka the many int'l millionaires who party here daily at the Marina Bay Sands) would have recovered from their rapid finger flutterings and mutterings of "OMGs" to take stock of what actually happened here in 'ultra peaceful' Singapore.

"Did it really happen?" asked Mrs Jimmy II Shoes, her expression one of shock, incredulity and lost of daylight time - a common malady with frequent latenighfers. Or it could be a case of mascara gone amok from rubbing too many shoulders and behinds.

'Did It Really Happen?' was the most tweeted phrase in Tweetersphere last night (and early morning), many choosing to believe that rioting on this island republic had gone the way of smallpox or only happened during the time of Policemen Wore Shorts (PWS) - a nostalgic period most familiar to the mnemonic folks at the Singapore Memory Project. In Orchard Road Shopping Time, the event would be forgotten like last year's Great Singapore Sale. Little India Riot? Where got....Oh.

When the nation's 3G network finally jammed from too many Youtube downloads, it slowly dawned on the infinity pool populace at MBS that the rioting event could, possibly, have happened. When one poolsider, known as Diamond Drink Party Girl (the new incarnation of the Sarong Party Girl) saw the video, she had this to say: "Cheh, only two burning vehicles. That's like bi-sai (boogers) in a Michael Bay movie." With that, she flopped underwater and resurfaced beside another angmoh who was similarly holding a high fluted wine glass with something shiny inside.

At one of the newer heartlands, our reporter Kay Poh Siao, spoke to some residents about the incident. Madam Epok Epok, 65, saw it with her own eyes. She lived on the 75th floor of the new 100-floor HDB Pinnacle III, 'highest-rise living for the 22nd Century and beyond" according to the housing board. She was excited but could not add much. "Yes, yes, I saw it. But I was so high, the fires were macham kuching eyes at night. Sometimes there, sometimes not. Plus I also old, eyesight not so good. But my abang saw it too." Incek Milo Susu, who was standing at the windswept balcony and pointing in the general direction of Little India, nodded and added, "Heng ah, we so high, so velly safe! If down there, susah lah." 

HDB should build more of these, Incek Susu suggested, as he caressed his hardearned balcony ledge. At 75 storeys above normal citizen level, the sight of the country below was indeed breathtaking. "Heheh, die also nearer to heaven," he chuckled.

Down at another immigrant hotspot, Geylang Lor 2 to Lor 22, Mr Pim Cha Boh, expressed dismay. "How come never call us? We could riot together. Back in China, we velly one heart one. Communist mah." According to him, immigrant tensions in Geylang were also bubbling under the skin. But because of the many 'beautiful ladies' there offering massages and other services, any grievance under the epidermis was soon salved. "Little India should have a Geylang. This way they think of enjoying and not make trouble. Kenna sai, their Desker Road so old like visiting your grandma. Heritage status liao. Must innovate, innovate!" When this reporter put to him that he spoke very good Singlish and wondered if he was Singaporean, Mr Pim slinked away not before saying, "Only PRC do bad things. Only PRC. Me not Singapore nang. Curry simbeh chow." Simbeh chow? Hmm....

At the rioting crime scene in Little India, two burnt out vehicles marked the spot. A stretch of the road also had long black marks as if an F1 race had just passed through. But that was in September and in Twin Durian downtown.

Madam Fong Sai Yuk, who lived nearby in Race Course Road, thought at first it was another festive occasion. "Aiyah, here every weekend also Black Ant Day. I thought it was another festival thingy. Sekali mata chia come yee-oh yee-oh. I stick my neck out to see. I saw the appu nei nei picking up things and turning this and that. I thought they were area cleaning as usual. Even when the fire started I thought it was Thaipusam again. Then the riot police came, again I thought it was play-play only. Sekali they beat people like real, like in some HK movie. Then I think maybe real. Then the TV news confirmed. But at first I thought it was the Noose, haha, funny show. But the chaboh very sui, so must be CNA. That's when I believe jeen eh (real one). Still I called my son in NS to confirm. Wah, by then siao already. I mean I siao, not Little India. What if my son kenna activated? Jialat. Only son. Sekali killed how?"

As Mdm Fong's eyes turned misty, this reporter quickly retreated and found Civil Defence commander, James 'Mr Good Eats' Tan, standing atop Mustafa Centre surveying the situation and nursing a masala teh tarik in one hand. What was your reaction, Commander Tan, given that rioting is rare in Singapore? "Might as well lah," he said, raising his glass. "I mean the teh tarik, heheh!" 

"You should try the chapati restaurant by Norris Road over there," he said, looking rather absentminded and pointing dangerously close to the riot crime scene, still smouldering from the attention given to it by his hose-totting men.

"Like I told that reporter Darren just now. Train, train, never use, Like married never go honeymoon. Don't know real situation will fire blanks or not. Always, wait wait, tan tan."

His Dy Commander, Sim 'Wayang' Mu Lat, who was in a car park with an IT consultant earlier when he received the call. "I was getting head, no, I mean I was getting ahead with my IT contract negotiations when my phone rang." He showed me his new 3G phone, a Sony Xperia. "Waterproof one, very suitable for fire fighting folks like us." He then leaned over and whispered, eyes looking a bit shifty, "Shh, IT lady give one. Off the record, ok?" Obviously, unlike Comdr Tan, Dy Cmdr Sim was very well trained in Media Relations.

Dy Cmdr Sim then straightened up and declared, in pseudo commanding voice, "Yes, yes, rioting in Singapore velly uncommon, like PAP losing in a General Election. Never happens. But my men, they are very well prepared. When not writing food blogs with our commander, they train like siao. As siao as our station cat catching rats, which is seldom. But still, a cat is a cat as long as they catch mice right? I think it was that China Deng fella who said that."

"Here at Home Team, we all dress like we ready to catch rats anytime. Blue, Grey, Dark Blue, Orange....doesn't matter what color. Home Matters Minister ah gong call, we go."

How was this different from the Hock Lee Bus Riots? 

"Huh? Oh, Hock Lee. Yeah. We always practice that one. See, bus crowded, train crowded, taxi cannot find. We know one day commuters will get so fed up and they will riot. Believe me, as in the Hock Lee bus riots, we are ready. Ready to clobber anyone who dare disrupt our World Class transport system." With that, Dy Cmdr Sim swung his baton a few times at some imaginary skulls for emphasis. There was a wild look in his eyes but it soon passed. It was replaced by the familiar look of utter boredom and expectation blunted once too often. This reporter has seen that look many times on reservist men, training for a war that was discussed but never came. The 'War Games Fatigue' look. Or that 'Army Waiting Time' look. One and the same.

Just then, Cmdr of Riot Police, Captain Tua 'Bare Knuckle' Gong walked up. Did he have an inkling of the trouble to come?

"Er, my men was playing carrom when we got the call. Did you know my unit won the division carrom championship? Good rite?"

"Eh, Sim, jiak ba buay?" said Captain Tua when he shook hands with Dy Cmdr Sim. "These guys fight fire, we fight people, heheh," said Captain Tua pointing to Dy Cmdr Sim and then pounding his fist into a palm.

"Sorry, what was the question again?"

Did you guys have an inkling if this was going to happ....

"Oh, yes yes, absolutely. We have men on the ground. We knew that it was going to happen. See that ambulance and police car that got burnt? COE almost expired, why we sent out those old vehicles. Burn nebermind."

"We also neber fired our guns. Wah lao, fire one bullet like spending MAS treasury money. Who want to do the paper work. Not me! Why I tell my men use fists and batons better. Somethings are better done the traditional way. We did away with the secret societies the same way. Hoot until they submit!"

When pressed on how the riot police knew what to expect, Captain Tua confessed that they have been monitoring a migrant worker NGO help group, that Black Ants Are Our Friends Too or BAAOFT, which some locals would call "fuck the ants off" in moments of anti-foreigner angst.

"We have a spy in there, so we know the issues."

"Low pay, long hours work....Haiz, any farmer's bull will also complain. Plus Singapore bosses like sai, you know. You got watch recent episode on TV or not? Work the employees never pay. You must pay the boss to pay you? Wah lau, where got such thing! Really really shameful. I Singaporean I also cannot tahan these people. Ren zha, scum. No wonder no Singaporean want to work these jobs. It's not the work, I tell you. It's those see nang bosses!"

Just then, Commissioner of Police, Wan 'Shiny Whistle' Ker Sum appeared. "Talking about me, Tua, izit?" He apologised for being late, having come from a carpark meeting with an IT consultant lady also. His whistle was dangling out of his pocket, recently shiny and a little wet. He quickly stuffed it back in.

"Heheh, no lah, sir," said a sheepish Captain Tua. "Government job best. AWS, year-end bonus, pak si also buay chow, heheh."

COP Wan, how do you see this issue?

"Oh, oh, back to this, eh?" COP Wan nudged, with a wink that oozed much Johnny-Come-Lately you-forgive-me, and a smile.

"A blip, I say. A blip."

"Will never happen again."

Sir, how come you so confident?

"Well, as in the recent bus strike, we will come down hard on these people. Come here work make trouble. That's not the Singapore Way. Here, people should work quiet quiet and go home and make babies in their high-asset apartments. It's the Singapore Way, I tell you. Work hard and Ah Gong will look after you. Ask any old lady at the kopitiam clearing dishes. Did we put a gun to their heads? No? Work is its own reward, I say. Singapore Way, Singapore Way."

With that, COP Wan walked over to Dy Cmdr Sim and draped a friendly arm around his shoulder. This reporter could hear them talking about a certain IT lady and the passes they got for the MBS Pangaea Club. Heheh, Diamond Drink Party Girls, zirconia can or not? With that, they disappeared into the lingering smoke of the Little India Riot, soon to be another insignificant footnote in the fast changing but orderly place that is Metropolis Singapore. Not far away, a car horned, impatient that the road had not been cleared up yet.

- A parody by TC Lai

Note about that S$32,000 drink: "The Jewel of Pangaea contains premium products such as the 1985 Vintage Krug; gold-flakes infused Richard Hennessy cognac; a smoked raw sugar cube infused with a mixture of apple wood, hickory wood and lemon wood and smoked infused Jerry Thomas bitters and most important ingredient of all the Mouawad Triple X 1-carat diamond.  The Triple X diamond has received the highest possible grading for its cut, polish and symmetry from its certificate-issuing laboratory."

Continued at: Little India Riot II - Alcohol Ban

More humor at: National Pledges; One Leg Left