Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Back From the Grave 1 - The TNP News

April 11 2015 cover page

'LKY' responds to recent issue on Watson stores selling vibrators.

To: Minister, Ministry of Birthpower

Dear sir,

I am writing from the grave as there is an issue that deeply moves me. Instead of making love to a proper man, women, I understand (from those Watson flyers folks burn to me during this current Qing Ming) are shedding their inhibitions over a battery operated stick. How can this be? It is highly wasteful and makes no economic sense.

Let me explain.

Already, our majority menfolk are working themselves to the bone, leaving precious little energy for whatever boning they are supposed to do, to ensure the survival of our species. What's the point of me having worked so hard, never finding time to even "baobao" my son Loon that he now laments that I was not touchy-feely enough?

I don't want our Singaporean men to be like me, lose that 'touchy-feely' instinct because of dedication to work or country.

And this mechanical device - a vibrator - will distance men even further from their womenfolk. What if these ladies find the device more satisfying, and then forever forgo intimacy with their significant other?

Already Swe Sey has confided in me that he often times shed tears because his wife has gone over to The Dark Side, that is, hiding herself in the storeroom doing the dastardly deed. 

Sir, I ask you, is this right? Should Swe Sey be asked to cry some more? Already he is such a sensitive sod. No. He needs peace of mind to function at the PMO.

Now, what shall we do?

Should we ban it outright as we did with the chewing gum? Is it as obnoxious as that? Will the women jam preloved vibrators in lift doors to stop them from closing? Will they hurl the sticks from HDB floors in moments of orgasmic abandonment? Will they litter park benches with it?

I think not.

Let's be practical and think how we can kill two birds with one stone, like in Operation Cold Store.

Let's call this Operation Turn-on.

What we can do is use this occasion to bring men and women together.

First, may I suggest we make it mandatory for Operationally Ready (ORD) men to carry a vibrator always. It will have a pager function set to vibration mode. Anytime their loved ones page them, they are allowed to respond like in Reservist Recall mode, report back immediately. 

Given the nature of the call, they have only 20-, 30-, and 40-minute windows to respond. As most women know, any interval after 40 mins is asking laundry in the sun not to dry up! We must encourage our men folk to respond as quickly as possible so their women remain in "the mood" and not decide to turn on the telly to catch the lastest K-drama. Or worse, retreat into the storeroom to rearrange stuff. We men know once they do that, any baby-making desire is as dead as dust on the floor. Or sucked out of life by the vacuum cleaner.

The vibration mode of the stick will serve as a kind of Palovian trigger to these men. Either they service their womenfolk quickly or stand to lose to a battery operated stick. How disgraceful is that? That cantretiregracefully Mahathir will laugh and say we Singaporeans "tak boleh" and offer to add Tongkat Ali to our water from Johor, Najib not withstanding.

Given time, our menfolk's reaction to the vibrator recall alert (VRA) will become reflexive. I am sure our womenfolk would love that! After that, I think our menfolk will be happier and more productive (after a 20-minute nap, that is). I have come to know satisfying a woman can be exhausting!

However, our womenfolk will be banned from buying such vibrators outright  for themselves. - Not even an electric toothbrush.

They will have to buy with their menfolk as Main Stick Owners or MSO (there's another acronym for you!) Their menfolk will guard it with their lives at all times, much like how they did with their M16 during NS. 

Once our menfolk respond with the paging stick, I believe their darlings will prefer the real thing. If not, the device can buy them time to "Majulah Singapura" or "marilah bersama-sama", haha. (See, I also have a sense of humor!)

And should such sticks spoil, they can bring to Singtel, Starhub, M1 or any 7-11 outlet to get it replaced. I am sure Watson will want to do their national-duty bit. And folks with Passion Card can get a further 10% discount. I like the 'passion' in the PA Card name. Check with Swe Sey (he is PA VP) how we can leverage upon this very suitable keyword in this Operation Turn-on. He might even have some idea on how to make it better.

Given our past bad PR from banning things, I'd advise that we do not ban this device outright. If we deploy it in this operational manner, I am sure every couple in Singapore will be very happy. Perhaps our Baby Bonuses will find renewed interest! 

To end, let me reiterate the seriousness of this situation: If our womenfolk find more pleasure in a vibrating stick, the future of Singapore will be at stake. Already, we have serious manpower problems in the service and maintenance trades. One day, we might not even have folks picking up used cardboard! 

And if our womenfolk should shun our men, who or what will they find solace in? Computer games? Work? Adult sex dolls? Other men? Oh my!

As usual, let's nip this problem in the bud so our menfolk can go back and nip theirs in the.... Never mind. Don't worry about me. I am happily reunited with my darling wife Chu. We are now finding time to do the things I had not given priority to. I urge our menfolk to do the same.

Note to Swe Sey: Please check the user demographics of this vibrating stick. If graduate women are using it more, we must act without delay. If majority are O-Level, then we place quota. Those with PSLE never mind; they are the ones got sense to get married and have kids! 

Yours truly,

Always thinking about Singapore, your mega-servant,


Note: All resemblances to actual persons or institutions are purely coincidental and fictitious. Do enjoy the humor for what it is. ;-)

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